my lip gloss is poppin'

well gang, i have survived the first week of camp, and i use the term "survive" only partially figuratively. it was probably one of the hardest 5 days and 4 nights of my life--definitely the hardest ministry i've ever done--and i have waited a couple days since returning to write this blog just so my mind could try to sort out everything that happened. i realized going into the week that i had no idea what i was really getting into, but your mind just can't help but form some kind of guesses or expectations of what is to come, based on previous experiences. the past week was like a different world, though, from anything i'd done before. but i don't want to get ahead of myself. first, the general outline of the week:
day 1 was river day. day 2: the climbing wall and arts and crafts. day 3: low ropes, slip 'n slide, camp fire and movie night. day 4: high ropes, talent show, hay ride. day 5: clean up and trip to Great Falls Park before going home.

so we drove out to the camp in virginia early monday morning and placed all the campers in their cabin groups. mine consisted of 6 boys, ages 10-12 (although one turned 13 on wednesday). getting my guys set up went off well enough. they didn't seem ecstatic by any means to be there, but we got our swim suits on and hiked down to the potomac river for river day, which was fun for me as i tried to get to know the kids. a lot of them simply loathe walking, though, for some reason and complained about the .75 mile walk to the river. this was the beginning of a seemingly never-ending stream of complaints from the kids. this may have been one of the most emotionally exhausting aspects of the first few days for me, because my guys never wanted to do anything. really. and they were like living, breathing contradictions. they refused to do the activities, saying they were boring or stupid and all they wanted to do was go to the cabin and sleep or something. then, when they had scheduled siesta time where they had to rest in their cabins they freaked out and yelled about having to stay in. it was so frustrating for me to understand them and try to make things fun when they seemed determined to not have any fun. plus, i felt like they hated me the first couple days. when i explained that siesta meant break time, one of the boys sarcastically asked if that meant they got to have a break from their counselors too.

my cabin seemed especially volatile because there was one boy who the others really did not get along with. he was the youngest and seemed especially slow, but would consciously do ridiculous things like drink buy spray and listerine and talk about being a crack head, which for some reason made the other boys act crazy and yell and threaten him constantly. this made nighttime a practical nightmare for me. i slept in a tent outside the cabin to make sure they stayed in. the night of the bug spray incident was especially bad. they exploded from the cabin screaming about it, yelling to keep him away from them. a little while later everyone burst out again into the pitch black night yelling about a wasp nest, which we had to go knock down and convince them to go back in (they hated bugs with a passion). later in the night i still hadn't been able to get ready for bed myself yet and i thought i was going to cry when i heard sounds of raindrops swiftly approaching, because the kids knew that bad rain meant everyone came in to sleep in the lodge. "please no, God," i thought. i think one more things would have made me crazy. thankfully, the rain wasn't too bad and i eventually got to sleep.

that's kind of how the first couple days went--continually thinking one more thing might make me lose my sanity. it's so strange how my emotions drained me so much, but it was just so difficult to feel like i was continually pouring myself out in an attempt to take every opportunity to love these kids and allow them to step outside of their normal lives and just be kids and have fun, but receiving indifference or absolute negativity and rejection in return. i wanted to make them see that they should be grateful and realize how pointless it was to keep themselves from enjoying things just because they thought they would look uncool if they had fun with us. by day 2 i didn't know how i would keep going. so jennie, one of the other counselors, and i prayed that day for God to give us something, anything, to propel us on. something positive or affirming. and that afternoon i experienced a very subtle shift in my interactions with one camper, who seemed to be the hardest and whose father, i found out, had been shot two years earlier over a car payment. God brought rain that afternoon while the boys were supposed to be climbing the wall, and we went inside and i got to have a short talk with this camper, stephon, who actually smiled at me...twice! what a relief that was. chaos quickly resumed that night, of course, but it was enough grace to keep me going.

the next day was stephon's birthday, which we decided we wanted to make really special. i made a banner to put up in the lodge, we gave him a basketball that everyone signed with "camp fraser 2007" written on it, we made him stand on a chair at dinner and sing to him and made a big cake. he had that basketball at his side every day after that, and i think he really enjoyed the attention. the hard thing was that he was so great when i spent time with him individually and seemed to need more individual attention than i could give him with five other boys to keep track of, and i truly yearn for more time to spend with him and pour love into him. i see so much potential in him and it makes my heart hurt to think of the path he seems to be headed on. please pray for him, that God would draw him to Himself and intervene on this path. he loves basketball and wants to start a business fixing up cars when he grows up.

while the week was incredibly difficult, i definitely witnessed a shift the last couple days during which the kids began to trust me and i figured out how to interact with them and have fun with them. i have never felt so tested by other people before, but it was like the kids were pushing me to see how i would react and if i would stick with them. they continued to be sarcastic and continued to complain, but i learned to be smart back with them in a joking manner and to poke fun at them for the way they complained. how good it felt to see the subtle smiles on my boys' faces! my favorite activity of the week by far was the slip 'n slide, because it was the first time since we had gotten there that i actually heard the words "this is fun," and it was hard to believe, but i saw smiles and heard laughter all around me. i thought i would cry. only two of my boys did it, but that was so much better than before when no one did anything.

ok ok, so i am realizing i don't have time to tell you absolutely everything i want to--there are SO many little stories and new memories, i can't believe it's only been a week. but to take you to the end, we brought everyone back to the church on friday, which was again another emotionally exhausting day because the kids, of course, were continually saying how ready they were to leave, and alot of them said they didn't have fun at all. there was one point back at the church before everyone left where i had to go cry in the bathroom for a while, after so many emotions and the disappointment of hearing again the lack of gratitude that i had come to expect but still could not understand or completely accept. i am told that they are always like that, but once they get home camp is all they talk about and come back for another week. i truly hope that is the case.

i cannot honestly say that i understand everything that happened this past week at camp or have cognitively processed it all (which is why this post may be all over the place). but i would ask for prayer. please please, pray for me at this place, with these kids. pray for them. pray for opportunities for me to share Christ with them. another thing i am not used to after doing ministry with ucf is the focus here placed more on loving through action than verbally sharing why we are loving them, that the gospel of Christ compels us. that is not stressed at all, and i do not want to pass up any opportunities the Lord provides to talk about the hope God offers in salvation through Christ. pray for endurance, for encouragement for all of us during the week when there is literally no visible fruit of our labor. pray that God would nurture and grow whatever little seeds of faith that may have been planted in the kids' hearts this past week, and for me to have confidence that God is mighty to save.

this coming week i kind of have a break, in that i am kitchen/support staff. i don't have a cabin of my own, but will help the cook and take other counselors' cabins when they need help or a break, or do anything else that is needed. so that may be a break, but will definitely have a lot of work to do. i'm not sure just yet how i feel about going back to camp. i'm anxious about starting over with new kids to have to break into and get over that lack of trust again, again wishing we could just pick up where we left off with last week's kids. but i am curious to see if every week will be like last week. so again, pray for rest--even if circumstances don't allow for physical rest.

i miss you all but am still confident that i am where God has me. thank you so much for the way you care for me and for the prayers i know you will be offering up. i love you all and will talk to you again in a week!